Losing your spouse is traumatic. Even if you had enough time to say goodbye, your loss reshaped your future. Grief is tricky to navigate in the months and years afterward. If you’ve started wondering how to move forward after the death of a spouse, you’re at a natural part of the healing cycle.
Learning how to take those first steps forward will help you understand if you’re ready. You’ll always carry your love for your former spouse with you, no matter where life takes you from here.
First, Recognize and Accept All Your Grief
People talking about grief often mention how it has five stages. Although some experience denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, bereavement doesn’t always follow that path for everyone. Recognizing and accepting however grief formed in your heart is the first part of moving forward. You might experience lesser-known stages like:
- Numbing
- Searching
- Yearning
- Disorganization
- Despair
The traditional five stages of grief don’t account for everyone’s different forms of processing. Depending on your culture, you might also understand it from a unique perspective. Reflect on how grief appears in your life to see how it affects you most often. The point is to know yourself instead of marking your progress along a healing journey.
Anticipate Some Accidental Backtracking
You’ve likely heard someone say that healing isn’t linear. It means you won’t experience one form of grief, move onto another and never experience the first form again. Your brain may need more time to process certain aspects of loss than others.
Parts of your healing might also involve revisiting grief habits or cycles you thought you finished. A few years after your spouse passes, you may smell a specific aroma that brings back a vivid memory. If you spend the next few days in bed because grieving takes your breath away, that doesn’t mean all your healing was for nothing.
You’re going to have days where you feel like yourself and days where it feels like you’ve just lost your spouse again. Accepting both with equal amounts of self-compassion will help you move forward with less frustration.
Build a Supportive Community
Grieving is such a personal experience. You may not want to open up about the depth of your feelings to others, especially if you don’t know anyone who also lost their spouse. As challenging as it might feel to ask for help, building a supportive community is one of the most important ways to move forward after the death of a spouse.
A support system can reduce grieving symptoms just by easing your loneliness. You’ll always have someone who will listen to you, a friend who will sit with you through your feelings and people who can check in on you.
As you form this community with time, try not to rely on just one individual for your entire support system. It isn’t healthy for you or the person you pick. They may encounter emotional exhaustion or not know how to support every aspect of your grieving. It’s much better to build multiple relationships by asking several loved ones to help you.
Journal Your Thoughts
Journaling might not seem like a huge grief-fighting tool, but it’s powerful. Write about your feelings, how your grieving looks day-to-day and how you’re doing.
It’s especially important to write about your intentions as you find yourself moving forward. Record why you’re starting to socialize again or get back into an old routine. Maybe you want to note why you’re donating some of your spouse’s clothes or looking for a new place to live.
If you write these things down, you can reflect on your entries to remind yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. When you feel nervous or unsure about a decision, you can read your grief journal to check back in with yourself. You’ll quickly know if you’re on the right path or potentially pushing yourself too hard based on your entries.
Celebrate Your Former Spouse
Moving forward doesn’t mean moving on. It just means you’re learning to carry the memory of your spouse with you through life. You don’t have to erase their presence to feel better.
Instead, celebrate your former partner. Keep pictures of them around your home, wear their initials on a necklace and post about them occasionally on social media. You may feel more comfortable if you know no one expects you to pretend like the love of your life isn’t still on your mind.
Attend Grief Therapy
Grappling with your thoughts and feelings is challenging. It’s twice as hard if it’s something you’ve never done before. Licensed therapists help people with this all the time. They could teach you how to grieve and find what enables you to heal.
A therapist will talk with you about how you lost your spouse. They’ll unpack any related trauma while treasuring what your former partner meant to you. You might also start to unravel things you learned in your childhood that prevent you from processing grief, like subconsciously numbing yourself when heavy emotions feel most present.
Don’t stress too much if you can’t attend in-person sessions. Research shows virtual grief therapy is an effective treatment for people seeking help with their grieving process. Check your health insurance provider’s website to find covered therapists near your home. You can also search for free resources online, depending on your situation.
Join a Support Group
Therapy settings sometimes make people feel too uncomfortable to heal. It’s OK if you don’t want to sit down with a stranger and talk about your deepest pain. You might find you’re more comfortable in a grief support group.
Support groups meet in person and online to help people navigate their healing process. You’ll listen to others talk about how they lost their spouses. Hearing their struggles and learning from their successes might feel comforting. Whether you attend therapy or not, finding a local or virtual support group can build the sense of community you need to process your grief instead of fighting it.
Maintain a Comfort Routine
People like to say that moving forward requires change. Your life as a single person likely won’t look the same as when you lived with your spouse. Just because it won’t be identical doesn’t mean it can’t include the same things that comforted you.
If you find it hard to sleep without your partner, place body pillows in your bed to replicate their presence. Wear their pajamas while you sleep or drink their preferred type of coffee in the morning. You might listen to their favorite music or hang out where you loved to spend time together.
Stepping outside your comfort zone won’t feel as uncomfortable if you have some kind of routine keeping familiar things in your life. It should make you feel grounded and safe in between trying new things instead of making you feel locked in place.
Remember, healthy coping methods are important but not as crucial as finding social support. Forming a support system mitigates the symptoms of grief more effectively than most leading recommendations. Connect with people who can listen to you, grieve with you and cheer you on to fully embrace the experiences of trying new things without fear.
Read About Grief
Talking with someone won’t always feel possible. You might occasionally skip therapy appointments or take breaks from your support groups. In those moments, you can still accept your need to slow down without feeling alone.
Look into resources that discuss grief to continue learning about how to move forward after the death of a spouse. You might feel comforted by books where people write with raw honesty about their lowest lows and greatest healing moments.
Personal essays in magazines and social media posts in grieving groups also provide the same insight. Learning from others is a valuable resource during the grieving process. It prevents you from feeling like the only person in the world carrying the weight of your loss. Even if you only feel less alone in your pain, reading can be the best way you spend your time as you recover.
Go Easy With Your Expectations of Yourself
Everyone sets expectations for themselves. You might take pride in your ability to problem-solve better than anyone or juggle responsibilities without losing track of time. Grieving also comes with automatic expectations that are important to unpack and discard.
You don’t need to feel completely fine within any specific timeline. No one expects you to grieve alone or pretend like it’s easy. You shouldn’t feel like your grief needs to match anyone else’s experience to become manageable.
Journaling is a great way to recognize similar expectations. Write about the pressures you feel. Do they help you? Are they coming from a place of compassion and kindness? You can write your way through your expectations, talk about them with a therapist or even vent about them with a friend to feel more at ease with how grieving affects you throughout the coming months and years.
Move Forward at Your Own Pace
People who get married eventually have to learn how to move forward after the death of their spouse. You’re not the first person to experience this level of loss and you won’t be the last. Help yourself by accepting your grief, building a support system and always giving yourself the grace to feel what you feel.
As you start healing, moving forward will feel possible. You won’t have anything holding you back as you carry your love for your former spouse into the next chapter of your life.
Author Bio
Jack Shaw is a senior writer and editor at Modded, where he passionately explores the intricate connections between physical health, mental well-being, and the dynamics of interpersonal relationships. With a keen eye for detail and a knack for crafting engaging content, Jack’s articles offer valuable insights into living a balanced and fulfilling life.
